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Age is Just a Number |
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August 12th, 2010 by Dahlia Bud
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So, for those of you who are unaware, I’m a young bride. As in, an early twenties bride. And Dahlia Dude and I have gotten a lot of flak for it. My parents have been very accepting of our decision to get married so young, and friends and family who have seen us together see that this is the best decision for us. But I can’t help but get annoyed with the seemingly endless line of people telling us that we’re wrong. So, I thought that I’d take a chance to calmly answer the most often asked questions. And while I know that none of the wonderful women on this site would ever be as rude as some of the people I interact with on a daily basis, I feel this may be good, not only for me, but for other young brides.
Are you sure s/he is right for you?
First of all, I think this question is just plain rude! Granted, I’ve only ever been asked this question by strangers, but still! I would never think to ask anyone this question. Ever. Unless it was my sister, and she was getting married to a serial killer who has been sentenced to life in prison. But seriously, that’s pretty much the only time that I think this question is appropriate, if it ever is. See, if my parents (interestingly enough, my mother was 22 when they were married – the same age I’ll be) sat me down and voiced concerns over our impending union, then I would shut up and listen. Because they’re my parents, and they know Dahlia Dude and I better than anyone else. But we’ve gotten nothing but support from family and close friends, and I feel that everyone else should think about that before voicing their concerns.
What about grad school? And studying abroad? And traveling?
Something that really bothers me about this question is the fact that their implying that I need to be alone in order to do any of these things. What these people seem to be missing is I’m going to enjoy myself all the more doing these things because of Dahlia Dude! I mean, traveling is great and all, but doesn’t sharing it with your best friend make it even better? And won’t school be a little easier if I constantly have someone who believes in me, pushes me to be my best, and kicks my butt into gear when I try to slack off? Why do people seem to think that I can’t do all these things and more with Dahlia Dude by my side? That’s the real question, if you ask me!
If you know you’re meant for each other, why not wait? Why do it now?
I always want to answer this question with another question: Why not now? I mean, sure, we’re young. That doesn’t mean we have less of a right to get married. I fully believe that we are just as mature/ready to get married as people five years our senior. We’re paying for our wedding by ourselves, and we aren’t mooching off of parents and friends. So when people ask us this question, I feel that they want us to wait for their peace of mind.
And, honestly, it just makes sense for us to do it now. Emotionally, practically, and even financially, this is the right thing for us to do. And what people don’t seem to understand is that we are not taking our marriage lightly. This is a calculation of the heart and soul, one that we are very serious about.
And you know what? Our relationship hasn’t just blossomed overnight. We have had our share of obstacles, and we’ve made it through some pretty difficult times together. And we aren’t getting married expecting that to change. All relationships are difficult. But we know that ours is worth fighting for.
So what about all of you ladies? Have any of you gotten flak for your impending marriage? Any other questions that you’re asked on a regular basis?
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Categories: Wedding Planning |
8 Comments |
August 12th, 2010 at 10:41 am
I totally agree with you. And yes, Towie Bear and I have gotten some pressure from one family member, but not about our marriage…
It was about when we would start a family. During our engagement, this person became obsessed about the idea of me getting pregnant during our engagement. Towie Bear and I agreed that she just wanted me to do that so she could justify her decisions since she did exactly that. She got pregnant, then got married and then had the baby. Please don’t get me wrong, I have no issues with people having babies before marriage.
I do believe that a child is a blessing and I LOVE children. BUT I feel that someone shouldn’t pressure me in doing something that they did. Towie Bear and I are adults and no one other than us can make a decision about when we will start our family. However, we already consider ourselves a family, with no kids or with kids.
Don’t you worryDahlia Bud, there are many of us that feel just like you. Keep your chin up!
August 12th, 2010 at 10:46 am
As another young bride too, I just want to say thank you for writing this. I get constantly frustrated by people asking me these questions and wondering why it is that there are other things that I could do that are considerably worse (to me – like I don’t believe in living together before marriage, so I’m not taking that route) but if say I did them (like live together before I was married) a lot of people wouldn’t have a problem with it. But apparently a lot of people have a problem with me wanting to get married.
And I don’t get how people ask are you sure they are right? I have just as much sense to decide and know this as someone five or six years older than I would – and maybe more in some cases!
And I also always find it ironic that as a kid (at least me) all the messages I got were “you can do anything and be anything you want.” Except apparently it stops short when it comes to wanting to get married at a young age.
August 12th, 2010 at 1:16 pm
Great post, Dahlia. Unforunately I have shared some of your experiences, too. My fiance and I have been together for almost four years and are getting married next spring. I will be 22 and he will be 24. Like everyone we have had our ups and downs, including a two-year long distance relationship and my sister being disagnosed with cancer. We know in our hearts that we are ready to be married– some days we even say to each other gosh, I wish we didn’t have to wait until May to make it official!
Although our family and close friends are supportive, it is other people (co-workers, acquaintances) that seem to raise questions. I have two favorite answers I want to share, and hopefully you will find them helpful. When married people ask innappropriate questions I tell them that we are getting married because we want to celebrate as many years of marriage as possible. Getting married young means we will have a chance to celebrate our 40th, 50th and maybe even 60th anniversaries together.
My second response is my go-to answer for divorcees or people I just want to shut up. I just smile and ask: “if you had found the love of your life and were blessed enough to get married, wouldn’t you?” Age really is just a number.
August 12th, 2010 at 1:50 pm
Thanks for all the great comments, everyone! I’m glad that I’m not the only young bride here! I must say, whenever I get upset about comments people make/questions that they ask, I usually call one of our good friends. And all they ever have to say is “I can’t imagine you two NOT getting married. It’s just…right.” That definitely always makes me feel better.
I feel like marriage is one of those things that, no matter how old you are, someone will always have a ‘problem’ with what you’re doing. So…might as well just get over it!
August 12th, 2010 at 2:21 pm
Ditto!
I just had this conversation yesterday while at the hairdresser. The owner of the salon said she had a moment where she regretted getting married at 22 and she’s been married 5 years. Here I am, engaged at 23 years old, my fiancé is 22 and we are totally on board with getting married at this age.
I have to mention though, we are passionate Christians and so are some of our friends so we have a lot of friends that got married the summer after college graduation, so it wasn’t as weird among friends, more so weird from others now that we moved to Cleveland.
I TOTALLY agree with #2. That’s exactly what I told the salon owner yesterday. Her complaint was that she felt like she hadn’t really “experienced the world the way she wanted to before getting married. My thing is, we are young, we will have just as many adventures and will be able to go through them together. I would hate to get married ten years down the line and have to say, “Oh husband it was so cool when I did this, oh let me tell you about when I traveled there.” Instead i want to say “Remember when WE did this? Remember when WE traveled there?”
Not to mention, if you are waiting until marriage for sex and childbearing, ummm… then you have even fewer reason to mosey slowly along in that area. Marriage is a great thing, Go for it
August 12th, 2010 at 5:36 pm
J&L: That was definitely encouraging! Honestly, the only thing stopping us from making this legal NOW is that our family is scattered across three different continents, and that’s important enough for us to wait. But I definitely don’t feel nearly as alone as I did when I was writing this blog, thanks to you ladies!!!!
August 12th, 2010 at 9:03 pm
Lilac Dude and I will both be 22 when we’re married, we were engaged at age 20. When my parents were married my mother was 19 and my father was 21, my future in-laws were in their early 20s. Since then the average marrying age has increased to mid-late twenties. We’ve seen the raised eyebrows and even faced some vendors who weren’t confident that our wedding was actually going to happen.
I haven’t encountered the exact same set of questions but we have been asked several time why aren’t we waiting until he graduates law school (3 years after we’re planning on being married). To be honest, the only reason we haven’t wed yet is undergrad. It’s smart and reasonable to wait until we graduate to get married, but neither of us have any desire to wait any longer.
August 12th, 2010 at 9:33 pm
I’m not getting married, but I have been with my boyfriend for a whopping 6 years and I’m only 21. I am so frustrated when people ask me things like ‘don’t you ever wonder what it would be like to be alone?’ or ‘don’t you think you should date someone else first, before committing yourself to one person?’ or ‘aren’t you bored being with just one person when you’re so young’??? I feel your pain and frustration. I say-it’s your life, you only live once! Why wait to be forever with the person you love when they could be taken from you at any second of the day?…life is short and I want to spend as much loving time with him as possible.
XOXO Jenna