|
Asking for Permission |
|
January 25th, 2009 by BridalBuds
|
It is an old tradition to ask the bride’s parents for permission before popping the question. I think this is silly and outdated. I mean, what am I? A piece of property? Maybe I’m just too much of the F word: a feminist. When Poppy Dude proposed, he did not ask my parents for permission to marry me, and they were perfectly fine with that (plus they loved him). They, and I, felt that I am an adult and can make my own decisions. And to be frank, if they had said no, I still would have married Poppy Dude.
Poppy Dad raising his glass in approval at our wedding.
It is hard for me to look past the sexist symbolism, but I can see understand how some might think it is polite to ask the parents, especially since the bride’s family pays for most of the wedding. But besides that, why would a potential groom-to-be ask his girlfriend’s parents for permission?
Did your fiance ask your parents for permission? Did you prefer or require he do that?
|
Categories: Archived, Etiquette + Advice, Nontraditional |
14 Comments |
January 25th, 2009 at 9:12 am
I agree with you and feel it’s incredibly demeaning and sexist tradition. However, Honeysuckle Dude really felt it was important to chat with the Honeysuckle parents about his intentions to marry me and wanted acceptance into the family. They kind of looked at him like, “Isn’t it obvious?” My dad then made some joke about trading cows and goats and offered his hand for the Dude to shake. He politely refused, saying, “Nah, that feels like we made a deal. I just wanted to let you all know what Honeysuckle and I are planning in the near future.”
January 25th, 2009 at 9:44 am
I, personally, think that the whole proposal thing is a silly little tradition, and the asking permission thing goes hand in hand with that for me. But when my best friend got married, her husband called her parents the night before and asked permission from her dad – and her dad really liked that (my best friend could have gone either way). So I think it’s a nice way to include the parents in the proposal, but I don’t like the connotations overall.
jessies last blog post..From my London Fog Latte…
January 25th, 2009 at 11:51 am
Although I’m a feminist/womanist, I think for most communal cultures, it is still a ‘polite’ thing to do because marriage is thought of as the joining of two families and not just the couple. Although my partner didn’t really ask for ‘permission’ before he proposed, he wanted to tell him personally, just to be respectful – but I deprived him of this when my sister told me to call my dad immediately to tell him the good news. My partner then called and apologized to my dad and shared that he wanted to talk to him about it first. but my dad didn’t think it was a big deal (I think!). In our tradition, the grooms side pays for the wedding, because it USED to be thought that the bride’s family is “losing” a daughter, as the daughter-in-law now has a new last name, and belongs to the new family.
January 25th, 2009 at 12:44 pm
You absolutely hit a nerve with me! I sincerely appreciate that you brought this up. Pansy Dude, my little conservative traditionalist (we balance each other), asked me a long time ago if he should ask my father for my hand in marriage.
I said- you will not. I am not my father’s property to be given nor does he make decisions regarding my future. I am an adult. I am self-sufficient, successful 24-year old woman, thriving in my male-dominated field and I will not be traded for my weight in chickens or barley. Which is ultimately, where that tradition stems from. ‘Here- you take her… now she’s your burden. You take responsibility for her.’ No. I take responsibility for myself.
I understand what Poppy was saying when she said that it might be polite to ask the brides parents, because they’re paying for the wedding. I find myself faced with yet another outdated tradition. Why on Earth is it acceptable, and not only acceptable but expected, that the bride’s family pay for everything? When do we grow up and start fending for ourselves? IN MY OPINION, if you can’t save responsibly to finance your own wedding maybe you ought not get married yet? Or maybe you have unreasonable expectations of what a wedding should be. It doesn’t cost much to go out the courthouse.
Lastly- my father will also not be walking me down the isle (I’m not walking down any isle) only to trade me over to my FH at the end. Again, I think it resembles an exchange of property. “I’ve given you this massive party, and my beautiful daughter…. now take good care of her because for Pete’s sake, she can’t take care of herself.” Ugh. Give me a break. I respect myself too much for this.
January 25th, 2009 at 1:15 pm
I really don’t have much of an opinion about this, but Dandelion Dude did ask my father. After he proposed I asked my dad out of curiosity if he had asked him and he said, “yes”. He said it was really nice being able to chat with about different things like family values, traditions, how he was going to ask me etc. My dad also said he felt it brought them a little closer. Which Im all about that! : )
January 25th, 2009 at 6:47 pm
I didn’t think it was about being polite, I think it was more about being respectful (in my situation at least). My fiancee did ask him and I think it made my dad feel really good to be included in that and I think in return my dad respected my fiancee a great deal. Personally, I loved that he asked my father. It meant a lot to me that he took that step but I’m a pretty traditional chick.
January 25th, 2009 at 9:05 pm
Gerber Daisy Dude did not “ask for permission” or let my parents/family know ahead of time. His reasoning was that he wanted it to be a total surprise and let me have the fun in telling them. He went through all of the effort to plan a really awesome engagement that I respect whatever his decision was at the time.
I see both sides of the coin on this topic. I could totally go either way. Most couples now are together for so long…. even living together before getting engaged, that the “approval” has been given without an offical talk.
It’s still a big joke when we go see my parent that Gerber Daisy Dude never “officially” got the OK.
January 25th, 2009 at 11:06 pm
I did not want any part of this tradition. Plumeria Dude told me he never considered it– and that’s without even discussing it with me! I think Plumeria Dad would have laughed hysterically at the thought. Not that Plumeria Dude isn’t a welcome addition to the family, but he knows I’m my own woman.
January 26th, 2009 at 2:08 am
I see your father in the picture, did you ask your mother too?
January 26th, 2009 at 11:26 am
My fiance asked for both of my parents’ blessings and I have to say that I LOVED that he did it. My parents were not expecting that at all, but they were so impressed by it. They felt that it was a gesture of respect and it allowed them to be part of this momentous occassion – the proposal. We were aware that this is not a literal act, where if my parents said no, my fiance would not ask me to marry him. It was more a symbolic gesture that also allowed my fiance to become closer to my parents.
January 26th, 2009 at 2:07 pm
My fiance asked for a blessing, not permission. I think he felt that it was a sign of respect, because if it were up to me, I would not have put up with the tradition. But, I think my ‘old school’ dad appreciated it. I think it depends on your family and your circumstances. Dahlia Dude ask my mom, my dad, and my sister separately.
January 26th, 2009 at 3:06 pm
I proposed to Calla Lily Dude, so I obviously don’t place a whole lot of value on tradition. But, for a brief moment, I did consider letting his parents know my intention (not really “asking for permission” or even a blessing, just to let them know), but I decided against it. If I was going to turn tradition on it’s ear, why do something I would be so against if the tables were turned? Not for me–or for Calla Lily Dude.
January 27th, 2009 at 1:59 pm
I think this issue greatly depends on the couple involved. For many it is a respect issue. The groom isn’t asking if he can necessarily have the bride, but is asking permission to join the Bride’s father’s family. As the patriarch of the family, he may appreciate the heads up and show of respect that a new man is entering the family. I have several family members who have done this, and it was entirely appropriate for them, and in no way made the Bride feel like property. That being said, it would have been exceptionally inappropriate for me. If my FH has asked me if he should ask my dad, I would have laughed. If he’d asked my dad, my dad probably would have answered “you should probably be asking Ruth about that, not me…” or something along those lines. This is something (like most traditions) that is right for some, and not for others. I think it can be a sweet and respectful gesture, or it can not be. It just depends.
Ruthies last blog post..What do we want… Brains…
January 27th, 2009 at 10:39 pm
ok so yeah my fiance did ask permission. (I had absolutly no clue either!) He is really close to my family since we’ve been together since i was in 7th grade (crazy right?! lol). His family is really traditional in alot of ways but not so much that it annoys me. This is just one of the things his father always told him to do. I’m very much the opposite of him. I do everything my own way and i always seem to be “ass backwards” his ways and mine actually even us out and that’s why we work. But as far as the asking permission thing goes I WOULD HAD said it’s totally outdated and there’s no need for it, but now after it has already occured I actually LIKE the idea that he asked. It made it alot easier for both our families and there was no akward moments at all. The one thing that I was happy about is that when he asked for permission he didn’t show any one the ring which i guess some guys do when they ask. I was the first to set eyes on it and show it off after it was set comfortably on my finger. So yeah the asking permission thing was a success and just another thing I ended up likeing that i thought i’d hate (he’s really good at doing that) lol